Reevaluation

Life is always about reevaluation.   Looking at what's done,  what's now and possibilities of what's next.   Trying to figure out if the path you're on is right or true for you or if you're only making a series of mistakes that will end you on the wrong path.

In the end,  maybe no decision is a wrong decision but a lesson learned.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to start again... Start fresh.

Ran a quick 2 miles before teaching tonight.   Was nice to get a quick run in.

15 km by June

I'm hoping... Aiming... To do tough mudder in June.   I'm sure I will fail at going again,  but can't hurt to try again one more time.

Started back running so I can attempt to run 12 miles by June.   That's 20 km.   Not sure if I can do it but will see.   Worse can happen is I don't go.

Kids are doing well.   Making a few comments about my apparent lack of dating life to them.   Not sure what's driving it or why.   Very confusing for me.  

Kass and I went to judo today. It was her first judo class with me.   And it was pretty amazing.   I have no idea if she will want to do it ongoing.  Or even be happy at next class.   But,  for an hour,  it was just her and me.   I hope she enjoyed it.

Can't sleep.... Again

Can't sleep again. Brain going too fast and thinking too much.   Probably a byproduct of working too late and not taking downtime.  Tried to relax and stop thinking during my ritual evening hot tub but it's not working. 

I missed updating how many rolls and if I've gone to class. Let's just say I've gone a few times and maybe 10 rolls. Seems easy enough.

Been dealing with lots of kid issues lately.  My oldest wants to move out. But now talking about staying weekends and at his dad's rest of time.  So basically 4 days a month I get him. I'm trying to remember what it's like to be 15 and I can't remember.  Maybe it's life's way of protecting you from all the angst and issues you had as a teenager. Wish I remembered half of it. Might be a better parent if I could sympathise better.

Trying to write what's been good lately.  Today I got to teach judo.  And I woke up early to work out. Yesterday I found time to make cookies. And was able to have coffee with a friend unexpectedly. 
I can't say I'm entirely happy. And I know what's missing or maybe think I do but don't have means to change it. I am feeling a bit lost right now. Once again I'm not where I thought I would be,  I don't have what I would like,  and looking for changes. 15 year old angst in an almost 40 year old women's body.

Can't sleep

Having problems sleeping tonight so I'm playing around looking for words to read.   I've been having a song play in my head lately by Leonard Cohen and not sure why.  Can listen to it here

Made it to judo tonight and got 3 rounds in. Frig I suck at it sometimes.  

Kids have been busy lately on me.   Hard to manage and I'm not sure why.   I know it's part or probably mostly me. Just don't know what to do.

Weekend around the corner with no plans. Will go watch a movie,  go to jits and judo,  and go cross country skiing.  Got to keep moving.

Getting moving

Realized yesterday that I've lost my thinking time. I used to run all the time,  or go to the gym,  and it was the one time I worked out my thoughts.  I've stopped going,  stopped running,  stopped X country skiing,  and now I don't take the time to work out things.   I decided to get back into things,  as I can,  and see how it all fits.

Looking ahead to summer plans and what I want to do. I've decided Barkerville and the hikes in northern BC.   I want to take kids to see UNBC and see university I went to.   I won't have as much time off this summer as I want to use some of my days for road trips for me.

No progress on my leg warmer cuffs. Maybe will be a weekend only project.

Changing

Went to jits yesterday and today.   Got in 6 rounds yesterday and 5 rounds today.  So I've gone to jits 3x, judo 0x and have done 18 rounds.

I went for a quick hike up the hill tonight.  Told dad and he asked me if I was visiting grandpa.   Need to remind kids about me wanting to be cremated and placed up there if anything was to happen.

Been feeling stagnant.  Not doing what I want to do and stuck.  Had a good conversation with someone last night about how to look at things differently. And it opened my eyes about what I've been doing.  Instead of trying to force what I want,  I need to work with what I have.   Eventually what I want will happen. I hope.  

I also realised that I've been pretty lazy in my workouts.   Time to step it up.

Casting on

I'm trying to get back into knitting.  To use up what I have,  maybe try to expand my creativity,  something for my hands to do.   I was going to make something special.  But figured special and no brainer is a better start.

I want to get out of town. Go travel.  I'm feeling cooped up and stuck and want something new to see.   I don't have any travel plans with work for a few months.   Thought I was going to Dallas next month but I think it will be cancelled.  So here I sit...

Actually,  I think I'm just feeling stuck.

On a side note,  gone to jits on Jan 1. Got 7 rolls in.

Lost and found

I found socks that I knit probably 3 years ago.   Almost done,  I just needed to cast off the toe.   I don't know why I hadn't finished them.   Forgot?   Wasn't what I wanted?   I finished them off tonight,  and wearing them to bed.

It's been a good Christmas so far,  with the usual stuff happening.  Kids not getting what they expected,  my usual frustration of not getting them what they wanted,  and feeling a bit at a loss as to how to change it for next year.   This year,  wanting to do something different,  I offered to take them skiing instead of tons of presents.   Well,  it backfired.   Instead I heard about how I didn't get an easy bake oven for Kass and how Cole didn't get tons of presents.   Linden said nothing,  beyond that he didn't want to go skiing.   I don't know what to do sometimes.   I think I might have it right.   And then never do.   Somehow I end up disappointing someone along the way.  Maybe there is something to be said about just buying gift cards.   But I just don't think it's right.   And in the end,  it's not about gift cards or getting the right gift.   In the end,  it's more that what is wanted,  on both sides,  just doesn't happen.

Finding the holidays difficult this year.   Started in August when I took time off with the kids,  and it's happening again.   Easier when I'm busy... No time to think.   Wanting what I don't have,  and probably won't get... Need to get back to work or have busier days.

Time

Kass went to a friends' place after school today.   Afterwards,  she said they were like her cousins.  I realized I've known the family 14 years. 14 whole years.   Doesn't seem right that time can go that quick or pass through without notice until looking back. Sometimes I wish it was like summers as a kid where a whole summer would last a lifetime.

5 more sleeps to Christmas.   Not excited.  Just not into it.

Kids go to their dad's tomorrow and back late Monday.   Will spend my weekend wrapping presents,  cleaning house,  working and maybe head up to the mountain.   Get a ski in or maybe snowshoe.   Been awhile and I need the time for me.

Remembering

Today,  after speaking with coworkers about the fact I knitted,  I remembered I had pictures on a blog of knitting,  and even more so,  remembered that I did at one time,  wrote a bit about my life.

So I went back to my writing and had a good look as to what happened and where I'm at today.  So interesting how time has gone on.

I'm lying here tonight,  finding it hard to fall asleep,  and remembered that I had this.   So... Here I am again.

No point in hashing out what I've done or been to these past two years. Given that it's almost exactly two years since I've written...

I had someone ask me the other day,  since the world might end on Friday,  what did I want to do?  And I couldn't come up with anything.   Granted,  there is much I want to change,  learn about,  grow,  experience and have in my life.   But,  when it comes down to the basics,  if things were to end as of Friday,  I would say I had a good time of it all.   Of course,  when I wake up Saturday morning.... I'm going to go back to looking at what I want to do differently.  Until then, I'll stay status quo for the next two days. But I have to say.... If the world does start to end on Friday,  I'm calling in sick to work.

Speaking of work,  it's been so busy... Juggling with work load and trying to get everything together before holidays.  I'm contemplating working a day next week to deal with work load and dealing with mommy guilt for not spending time with my kids on their days off.   But work pays for the mortgage so it's in our best interest for me to put the time in to it.   I just know that they're not kids forever.   And in the now,  just see me as not coming through on planned holiday time. Again.

But I might not have to worry about that past Friday anyways....

Falling off the wagon

Staying on track is freaking hard!  Thanks to the Grey Cup weekend I kept on the "why bother?" mindset for the past two days.  Of course work doesn't help when it's crazy busy and someone buys a big assed loaf of banana bread.  I haven't been able to exercise these past two days as I have the kids this week.

So, today is a new day...and I'll start eating good starting this morning.  Until I realized there's the Christmas decorating party at noon today with potluck.  Damn.

Counting up

I went to boxing and bjj this weekend (so nice to be back!) and the guys were talking about counting the number of rolls they get in a year.  A brown belt was talking about a good year is 600 rolls.  Guess the theory behind it is the more rolls you get in, the faster you improve, and you have to make a minimum amount of rolls to keep your skills set maintained.  Makes sense.  So, I'm going to start counting.  Saturday I got in 5, Sunday I got in 4.  So will wait and see how things go.

Went skiing for the first time this season and it was so nice to get up there!  And freaking hard work.  I forgot how much work it is.  Although I refuse to go slow and steady so maybe there's a problem right there.  I wouldn't burn myself out after 15 minutes and die from lack of oxygen.  I can zoom past the classic skiers but they always catch up to me when I'm dying after a hill.  Need to get my cardio used to long distance than short bursts.

The diet was killed this weekend after a girls night out...but what the hell...it's birthday celebrations so why not??

Winter wonderland

It's finally winter around here!  This is the view from my office.  Going to head out for skiing this weekend up at Sovereign.  Will figure out exactly how out of shape I am and if my elliptical actually does something for me.

I went to boxing class tonight.  It's been about a month since I've been there last.  I forgot how good it felt to hit something!  I really need to make sure that I go every Friday night.  It was a huge stress release, I feel better at the end of the week.

Still doing pretty good with the whole diet thing.  Found a new cereal online called Holy Crap.  Bought some with a girlfriend just because of the name.  And the fact that it's getting rave reviews and is taking 6-8 weeks for shipping.  It's gotta be good and I'm getting tired of having to cook my oatmeal and cereal every night so I can have something in the morning.

So close to the end of the week...

Another week of long days at work and not getting much done at home.  I'm looking forward to my deadlines being done and  having a chance to relax.  Tonight I took a bath and read a magazine.  It's been a long long time since I've done that last.

Spent 40 min on the elliptical today and been really good about my eating habits.  Well, except for the wine and the mango margarita yesterday!  But, I'm thinking if I'm good overall, what's a glass or two?  Just helps me relax. ;)

I've been thinking about getting back into running again but of course can't start it till the snow melts.  And of course, it's just a thought I've been having rather than action.  Nothing new there.

This morning's breakfast

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I'm baaaack!

It's been awhile. My blog is just for me and I'm the one that benefits to writing in it, and I realized that in my quest to lead a more balanced life, writing to my blog is probably part of working on that balance.

I've decided that I need to eat more healthy, keep track of  my exercise and, in general, just keep an eye on what I'm doing and where I'm going.  And this is a pretty easy way of accomplishing that goal.

For eating habits, I've cut out sugar, wheat, dairy, processed foods.  In the process I've lost 7 pounds in about two and half weeks and feel so so much better!

So...this morning I tried something new.  I wanted steel cut oats but didn't have time to cook them this morning.  So I put a third of a cup of steel cut oats with a cup of almond milk in the fridge with flaxseed and chia seeds (I was wondering when I was going to use those!) in the fridge overnight.  Topped with a banana and almonds this morning....yum!!  They're my new fave food.

Eating leftovers this afternoon for lunch.  Kidney beans with brown rice and tomatoes and lettuce.  Kind of a mock taco kinda thing.  Supper I'm hoping for chicken and salad.

The great thing about this is that I don't have cravings for sugar since I've done this.  Didn't expect that perk!

Heading to judo tonight in Kamloops. It's -20 today so the roads are clear and I don't have to worry about snow. It's a long drive for me today as I'm working in Kelowna but it's doable.  As soon as I'm done I'll head straight home so I can get a good night sleep.  Trying for 8 hours a day...always easier said than done!

Tis the season

I love this time of year...two weeks away from my birthday and a month away from Christmas. Everyone is waiting for the fresh snow, the upcoming family get togethers, the pretty lights on the houses and decorating for Christmas.

Things are finally slowing down at work and I've actually cast on for a sweater. I've finished one sleeve and working on another. That's been about a month in the works but at least I'm attempting to knit. Only problem is, it's a total lack of time that's stopping me.

We've had to move our youngest child out of French Immersion and place him into the school in our catchment area. Unfortunately, the French in the classroom just added to his learning issues and it made it really hard on him. He's in his second week of school at his new school, and in his words "It's really, really, really, really awesome!". Can't get much better than that from a 5 year old.

I'm thinking of heading to Burnaby for a judo tournament in December but I've discovered today that it's for the senior selection. Oh crap...that means really good people are out there competing. I'll get my ass kicked for sure. :)

Anyways, I'm off to the gym. Didn't have a chance to go today at lunch so I might as well do it now. Better late than never!

It's September?

I'm always surprised when September sneaks up on me. Summer always is so nice, until August 15th hits and then work is crazy for me. I don't seem to be able to get back to normal until December and then I wonder where the summer and the fall went!

I'm back in judo again this fall and still enjoying it. Tried to go a few times this summer to a club in Kamloops just to keep my mind into it. I'm thinking of competing in a few more competitions this year but it makes me nervous. Fighting against an 18 year old is hard - they don't have as much to worry about, like family, or having to go to a job, so getting injured isn't a big deal.

All of my monkeys are in school now. When did that happen? Seems like yesterday that my youngest was a tiny baby and I was sending the first away on the school bus. Now all of them are there. I thought I was going to be sad about the whole thing, but surprisingly, I'm not. I'm actually quite proud of my little baby heading off to school.

The renovations are coming along nicely and we hope to have them done by the end of October. I'm trying to figure out a way to take over the bathroom upstairs and make the kids keep the one downstairs. I'm so loving how it's going to look! They won't appreciate it at all.

Slowly but surely

We're getting the renos done. The drywall should be done tomorrow and taping and mudding starts on Tuesday. With any luck, I'll be picking out paint in just over a week. I can't believe it! The kids are so excited and hubby is already planning a big poker party for when everything is all done. Of course we haven't heard a thing from the insurance company and apparently that's normal. I don't know if it's because they're so busy or if that's the nature of the work but I hate being left hanging.

Hubby is off fishing for the weekend in Terrace for his 40th birthday. He's caught 4 salmon and 1 halibut and we're planning a bbq for when he gets back. I talked to him last night while he was partying it up with his friends - he's having way too much fun. My girlfriend in Terrace and I are planning a trip to Vegas now and the boys are planning to come. Too bad so sad...this is a girls trip only. I haven't had one of those in years.

The kids and I have had a pretty low key weekend. Hit the beach on Thursday night, had dinner with my parents Friday night and I went out with my sister that night and yesterday we watched Wall E yesterday. What a cute movie! It's a must see.

I did some canning this weekend and tried some new recipes. In the front is an Indian style relish for raita and the back is apricot ginger butter. Never have done them before but I'd thought I'd try them. I froze some cherries as well for the winter and I hope the kids like them. They didn't like the canned cherries I made a few years ago so I'm trying something different. I'm making curry pickles now and they should be done for tomorrow night. Have to pick up blueberries tomorrow to freeze and make some jam as well. Yes, it's so being Suzy Homemaker but the food tastes so good!

I've also been able to get some knitting done, which is a bit of a surprise. I've finished off one sock that has been sitting on my fireplace mantle since March. I've started the next one and it's coming along. I absolutely love the colour of the yarn - it's from Socks that Rock but I can't remember what colourway. As you can tell by the matching toe nail colour, I love blues and greens I probably won't get the pair done until October which means I've probably finished, oh, about two projects this year. Guess that's what happens when you get busy with things!

Beyond that, haven't been doing much. Heading into holidays this week so I'll be trying to keep the kids entertained throughout the week while not being bored myself. I've hired a personal trainer and I'm quite excited about that. Need to change what I'm doing with my workouts to make sure it's what I'm supposed to be doing. Hopefully I'll meet with her on Wednesday as we have to get our schedules to work.

Seriously, where is my time going?

All spring we waited for the warm weather to arrive - next week, summer will be here, we kept saying to each other. Now that it's the end of July, we're asking ourselves where did the summer go? Always waiting for the next thing to happen, never enjoying what we currently have. :)

We had a flood at the end of June, which has meant most weekends being wrapped up in house renovations and demolition. We decided to take over the upstairs, which originally was going to be a slow process - a set of stairs here, new gyproc there, flooring another time. However, with the flood it has sped up the process. Now we're doing new insulation, walls, electrical, flooring, stairs. All at once. Needless to say, the summer is disappearing not because of all the fun plans we could have made camping, barbecuing and visiting friends - it's all about demolition, baby. At least taking down walls with a wrecking bar is strangely soothing and I've had the satisfaction of knowing that I can figure out how to insulate a house. The kids are so excited - finally rooms to themselves and a rec room. Our youngest is devastated - he can't imagine not sharing a room with someone.

I met with a new instructor today and I was a bit nervous about it. She's incredibly experienced in her field, has done training for years, is in senior management and I was going to hire her for a little course we're offering in the fall. On my trip back home from my meeting, I realized that, even at the ripe old age of 34, I'm still afraid of rejection and that was the basis of my nervousness. My kids, although outgoing and social, are afraid of rejection, and we tell them it's ok, brush it off and keep on going. And yet, at my age, it still bothers me. It's funny to think that , deep down, we all just want to be liked for who and what we are and it all could be as simple as that.