Life is always about reevaluation. Looking at what's done, what's now and possibilities of what's next. Trying to figure out if the path you're on is right or true for you or if you're only making a series of mistakes that will end you on the wrong path.
In the end, maybe no decision is a wrong decision but a lesson learned.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to start again... Start fresh.
Ran a quick 2 miles before teaching tonight. Was nice to get a quick run in.
I'm hoping... Aiming... To do tough mudder in June. I'm sure I will fail at going again, but can't hurt to try again one more time.
Started back running so I can attempt to run 12 miles by June. That's 20 km. Not sure if I can do it but will see. Worse can happen is I don't go.
Kids are doing well. Making a few comments about my apparent lack of dating life to them. Not sure what's driving it or why. Very confusing for me.
Kass and I went to judo today. It was her first judo class with me. And it was pretty amazing. I have no idea if she will want to do it ongoing. Or even be happy at next class. But, for an hour, it was just her and me. I hope she enjoyed it.
Can't sleep again. Brain going too fast and thinking too much. Probably a byproduct of working too late and not taking downtime. Tried to relax and stop thinking during my ritual evening hot tub but it's not working.
I missed updating how many rolls and if I've gone to class. Let's just say I've gone a few times and maybe 10 rolls. Seems easy enough.
Been dealing with lots of kid issues lately. My oldest wants to move out. But now talking about staying weekends and at his dad's rest of time. So basically 4 days a month I get him. I'm trying to remember what it's like to be 15 and I can't remember. Maybe it's life's way of protecting you from all the angst and issues you had as a teenager. Wish I remembered half of it. Might be a better parent if I could sympathise better.
Trying to write what's been good lately. Today I got to teach judo. And I woke up early to work out. Yesterday I found time to make cookies. And was able to have coffee with a friend unexpectedly.
I can't say I'm entirely happy. And I know what's missing or maybe think I do but don't have means to change it. I am feeling a bit lost right now. Once again I'm not where I thought I would be, I don't have what I would like, and looking for changes. 15 year old angst in an almost 40 year old women's body.
Having problems sleeping tonight so I'm playing around looking for words to read. I've been having a song play in my head lately by Leonard Cohen and not sure why. Can listen to it here
Made it to judo tonight and got 3 rounds in. Frig I suck at it sometimes.
Kids have been busy lately on me. Hard to manage and I'm not sure why. I know it's part or probably mostly me. Just don't know what to do.
Weekend around the corner with no plans. Will go watch a movie, go to jits and judo, and go cross country skiing. Got to keep moving.
Realized yesterday that I've lost my thinking time. I used to run all the time, or go to the gym, and it was the one time I worked out my thoughts. I've stopped going, stopped running, stopped X country skiing, and now I don't take the time to work out things. I decided to get back into things, as I can, and see how it all fits.
Looking ahead to summer plans and what I want to do. I've decided Barkerville and the hikes in northern BC. I want to take kids to see UNBC and see university I went to. I won't have as much time off this summer as I want to use some of my days for road trips for me.
No progress on my leg warmer cuffs. Maybe will be a weekend only project.
Went to jits yesterday and today. Got in 6 rounds yesterday and 5 rounds today. So I've gone to jits 3x, judo 0x and have done 18 rounds.
I went for a quick hike up the hill tonight. Told dad and he asked me if I was visiting grandpa. Need to remind kids about me wanting to be cremated and placed up there if anything was to happen.
Been feeling stagnant. Not doing what I want to do and stuck. Had a good conversation with someone last night about how to look at things differently. And it opened my eyes about what I've been doing. Instead of trying to force what I want, I need to work with what I have. Eventually what I want will happen. I hope.
I also realised that I've been pretty lazy in my workouts. Time to step it up.
I'm trying to get back into knitting. To use up what I have, maybe try to expand my creativity, something for my hands to do. I was going to make something special. But figured special and no brainer is a better start.
I want to get out of town. Go travel. I'm feeling cooped up and stuck and want something new to see. I don't have any travel plans with work for a few months. Thought I was going to Dallas next month but I think it will be cancelled. So here I sit...
Actually, I think I'm just feeling stuck.
On a side note, gone to jits on Jan 1. Got 7 rolls in.
I found socks that I knit probably 3 years ago. Almost done, I just needed to cast off the toe. I don't know why I hadn't finished them. Forgot? Wasn't what I wanted? I finished them off tonight, and wearing them to bed.
It's been a good Christmas so far, with the usual stuff happening. Kids not getting what they expected, my usual frustration of not getting them what they wanted, and feeling a bit at a loss as to how to change it for next year. This year, wanting to do something different, I offered to take them skiing instead of tons of presents. Well, it backfired. Instead I heard about how I didn't get an easy bake oven for Kass and how Cole didn't get tons of presents. Linden said nothing, beyond that he didn't want to go skiing. I don't know what to do sometimes. I think I might have it right. And then never do. Somehow I end up disappointing someone along the way. Maybe there is something to be said about just buying gift cards. But I just don't think it's right. And in the end, it's not about gift cards or getting the right gift. In the end, it's more that what is wanted, on both sides, just doesn't happen.
Finding the holidays difficult this year. Started in August when I took time off with the kids, and it's happening again. Easier when I'm busy... No time to think. Wanting what I don't have, and probably won't get... Need to get back to work or have busier days.
Kass went to a friends' place after school today. Afterwards, she said they were like her cousins. I realized I've known the family 14 years. 14 whole years. Doesn't seem right that time can go that quick or pass through without notice until looking back. Sometimes I wish it was like summers as a kid where a whole summer would last a lifetime.
5 more sleeps to Christmas. Not excited. Just not into it.
Kids go to their dad's tomorrow and back late Monday. Will spend my weekend wrapping presents, cleaning house, working and maybe head up to the mountain. Get a ski in or maybe snowshoe. Been awhile and I need the time for me.
Today, after speaking with coworkers about the fact I knitted, I remembered I had pictures on a blog of knitting, and even more so, remembered that I did at one time, wrote a bit about my life.
So I went back to my writing and had a good look as to what happened and where I'm at today. So interesting how time has gone on.
I'm lying here tonight, finding it hard to fall asleep, and remembered that I had this. So... Here I am again.
No point in hashing out what I've done or been to these past two years. Given that it's almost exactly two years since I've written...
I had someone ask me the other day, since the world might end on Friday, what did I want to do? And I couldn't come up with anything. Granted, there is much I want to change, learn about, grow, experience and have in my life. But, when it comes down to the basics, if things were to end as of Friday, I would say I had a good time of it all. Of course, when I wake up Saturday morning.... I'm going to go back to looking at what I want to do differently. Until then, I'll stay status quo for the next two days. But I have to say.... If the world does start to end on Friday, I'm calling in sick to work.
Speaking of work, it's been so busy... Juggling with work load and trying to get everything together before holidays. I'm contemplating working a day next week to deal with work load and dealing with mommy guilt for not spending time with my kids on their days off. But work pays for the mortgage so it's in our best interest for me to put the time in to it. I just know that they're not kids forever. And in the now, just see me as not coming through on planned holiday time. Again.
But I might not have to worry about that past Friday anyways....
